On Matters of The Heart…

romanctic leisure..!!
Image by Soumyadipto Ghose via Flickr

There has been a recurrent theme with my clients this week.  It has been that of un-requited love and in particular, my clients looking to their love interest to make them happy.

I have seen allot of this thinking over the years and I see it as a trap in the Human psychology.  Matters of the heart run a very fine line.  For many people it is much easier to fall in love than it is to let go.  For many, the process of letting go involves getting nasty and becoming a shadow of their former selves, full of hateful spite and bitterness.  Many people also fall into the trap of mistaking sexual desire for that of heartfelt love and this often leads to an empty relationship, which creates a lonely hole in the heart of those involved.

In my experience as a Spiritual Advisor, I have seen how looking for someone else to make a person happy, or lust mistaken for love, have created a great deal of hurt and distrust in my clients.  This style of thinking is setting you up for a fall and a big one at that.  If you think getting up and dusting yourself off and finding another person to fill in that hole in your heart will fix it, you will be sadly mistaken.  Instead of finding Wedded Bliss, you will find another rack of bad memories and heart aching moments in time.

The question of love is a major one in most people’s minds from the time they hit puberty.  It is such a serious subject, because, it is in our most intimate relationships that we are forced to learn and to grow.  Many people, including myself, end up regretting having ever met a significant person in our lives and many people, including myself, have made the mistake of taking another person on, only to realise that they too are a big mistake.  It is such a difficult thing, to use discernment when you are finding yourself attracted to a person and your mind is swirling with questions of wonder and your heart is filling with feelings of attachment.

There is a very real truth that I must remind you all of, before I go on.  No one person can make you happy.  The true path to real contentment is within your own heart and mind.  It cannot be filled by another.  They have no physical way of getting into your heart and mind and healing you.  This is and must be, your own journey.  A significant friend can support you, bolstering your spirits and believing in your progress and your ability to heal, but they cannot do it for you.  So, if you are someone who is looking to others to heal you or to make you happy, stop now.  Stop now, before you become that other person’s bad memory.  Stop now, before your neediness ruins your precious relationship or the opportunity of having a precious relationship.  Back off and go and get some counselling.  It is the only way you will heal and set yourself and everyone around you free.

Clients who come to me, having based their relationships upon desire and not upon love are often confused as to what the feeling of love is.  Often when they come to me, they are tired and they feel scattered.  They are in need of some centering and some grounding.  This is because the intimacy of the bed is a sacred space.  It is not a space for many bodies to lay.  It is a space for you to be at your most vulnerable. A space for you to be totally yourself and to be with yourself.  When we let another into this space, if it is simply for instant gratification or for the release of desire, it lessens the sacredness of this space and charges it with negative energy.  The bed becomes a place of emptiness, reflected in the heart and echoed in the soul.

For those of you who have fallen into this trap of allowing desire to rule your body and your relationships, when the time comes for the relationship to end, I recommend you have a length of time alone.  It is the most rewarding thing, to be alone for some time and to just be with yourself.  To go for walks and to channel your sexuality into your spirituality.  It is when you learn to do this, that you will regain your sacred space and you will be prepared for real love to enter into your energy field.

Lovers cooking together  Real love feels easy.  It is simple and uncomplicated.  It doesn’t make you cry or fight, it doesn’t disrespect you or make you feel used or needed too much.  Real love is uplifting.  It fills your soul with joy and peace.  It is a soft place to fall and a warm place to lay.  It is sacred and special and it is something worth waiting for.  Real love fills your heart with a feeling of warmth that can only be described in poetry and song.  That is why so many songs are written about it.  Love transcends sexuality, it is a spiritual, soulful feeling.  It doesn’t need a nightly gratification to confirm it’s place in your life.  It just is.  It longs for another, yet, it feels secure within itself, so it is never really alone.  This is how real, true love feels.

For my own life, I chose to stop, after two 2 year relationships in my twenties, and to be alone until I found someone worthy of my heart.  I chose to look at myself and to work out what it was about me, within me that was attracting these unhappy men into my life.  I didn’t want to go for another round, so I stepped back from relationships.  This period of celibacy allowed me to channel my sexual energy into my spirituality and gave me the ability to grow spiritually.  It was at times difficult and as I was out of reach, I found myself with several marriage proposals every year and declarations of love, from would be suitors.  But I had written a list of what I did want in a man and what I just wouldn’t accept and I stuck to it.  I was told that there was no such man alive and I would be forever alone.  I thought otherwise.  There are billions of men in this world, so there are billions of options and I am happy to wait for the right one.  In the end, I asked my guy out.  I was in control and I got the best.  I never settled for second best because I was lonely or bored.

If I can take control of my sexuality and my desires, then so can you.

Love is a beautiful sacred thing.  It is worth working through your issues and taking some time to be alone.  Love is worth waiting for. Registered & Protected


Life Coach & Spiritual Facilitator

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