Self Love

When you were a child at primary school, did the other kids ever taunt you and tell you that you ‘love yourself’?  Like that meant you were supposed to be full of yourself and your ego would explode on the walls?  I remember kids saying that to each other all the time.

I remember getting sucked into it and telling other kids this mean thing aswell.  It was seen as wrong to love yourself, because they didn’t understand there is a difference between being full of your own self worth and having self love.

self love

self love

These days, I can proudly say that yes, I do love myself.  But I am not very good at keeping an inflated ego, (I just wouldn’t fit through the door frames) so I keep my self love to myself .  It shows to others in the way I act and present myself both in person and online.  It’s easy and when I think back to those times when I found that I felt I had to reject myself for whatever reasons, I remember that I was always so very stressed out.  Self rejection takes allot of work.   I think it does, you know.  I think rejecting yourself is a full time job that can consume your mind and can harden your heart to the softer, more colourful experiences life has to offer.  I am not perfect, I am still hard on myself and I still feel down about myself sometimes.  But there is always something I can think about that makes me feel happy about me again and something I can focus on that gives me a sense of self worth.

When I was 17, I attempted to commit suicide.  I couldn’t see that I was loved and that anyone cared.  I felt that there was no point anymore and that I was ugly.  I had begun to drink and smoke too much and I was an occasional drug user.  I found that when I was sober, I couldn’t string two words together, I had lost my confidence to speak.  I began to seep away from the world in to the black cave in the very back of my mind and there, I hid and hoped that someone would find me.  But all that found me was more pain and it was allot of hard work to stay there.  I had to believe I deserved to be there, I had to convince myself that no one wanted me in the light, I had to convince myself that I was invisible.

This state of mind led me to taking some sleeping pills.  I slept all day and in the afternoon, I was disappointed that I awoke to the sound of a knock on my door.  It was a friend of mine, who had been suffering from terrible regular migraines.  She was also in the play at the local theatre that I was in and she came to pick me up to go to a theatre troop party.  I knew she held me in high esteem, I had laid my hands on her several times and literally drawn the pain energy out of her body, I would then go and hug a tree and transfer it into the trees at the front of her house…her trees grew very green!  When I had drawn enough of the pain energy out of her body, she would relax and sleep, wake up pain free.  I knew all this was between us, but I was selfish enough to think that my little dark cave was the best place for me.

 

Self Love Hands

Self Love Hands

I didn’t tell her what I had tried to do.  I went with her to the party and watched and listened as all the other theatre members grew excited about Opening night the following week.  I was a key member of the cast.  Not the lead, but a key member, just the same.  Had I taken too many of those sleeping pills, I would have finished the play and hurt all those people.

Later that night, we all went out to a night club, we lived in the outback town of Mt Isa, so everybody knew everybody…I was greeted by all these friendly acquaintances.  People who wanted to know how I was and what I was doing.  If my plan to take my life had come through, I would have hurt them too, because from a distance, my life mattered to them.

Even though all this information was passing into my brain, it wasn’t registering as I say it to you now.  What did register was that, I wasn’t actually serious about taking my life, and I wasn’t meant to die that day.  I was mean to live.  So I chose to live.  I chose to find a way out of that cave and into the light again.  It took me years and years.  I began to take notice of the things I said about myself, to myself and to others.  I began to look for why I was sad and to find a way to change it.  I began to see that I was worthy of love and that I was a worthy person to live and to breathe.  I began to realise I could achieve and that all along I had been making achievements.

Waves of Self Love

Waves of Self Love

My self love is not built on my own self importance.  I’m a mother, that is kind of put to one side in favour of the importance of my family.  My self love is based on my ability to see myself as a worthy person.  As a person who can and does achieve and contribute to the world, even if it is in a very small way.

It has been hard to see this for many reasons, but one big one has been that, because I was feeling so low, I was prey for the predator called narcissist.  These predators come in the disguise of friend, or lover, they can be a boss or a co-worker.  They are not very self loving actually, because they want to make someone else miserable to make themselves feel better…thus they lack self love.  But they can be very manipulative and controlling. Very charming in the beginning and very much make themselves out to be the teacher or the mentor you the sad one, is seeking.   When you have low self-esteem, you are an easy target for the likes of these predators.

If you are someone with low self-esteem and felling sad and lost.  Be aware that you are leaving yourself open to the narcissists of the world to prey on you and keep you down.

Better to begin a plan to bring yourself out of the conundrum of lacking self love and back into the light.  Better to find each day 10 min to tell yourself you are a good person and to take that time to see what you have achieved that day.  Better to feel good about that small achievement and build on that for the next day and so on until most of your private thoughts are filled with positive messages.  Then you will not be touched by the likes of a narcissist, because they cannot find a way to hook in a happy person.  A happy person is not vulnerable to the lies and the manipulations of a narcissist.  A happy person is free.

Self love is a choice and it is your birth right.  It is a natural gift each of us has to ourselves and to the rest of the world.  If we don’t practise self love more and more, we will never find our way into the light.  Imagine the world of Humans if we were all self loving creatures.  We would radiate so much love for ourselves and each other, that we would be truly sentient and peaceful.  There would never be any need for war again.

Do yourself a favour today, tell yourself ‘I love you’ and mean it.

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One comment on “Self Love

  1. Pingback: i cry in the day time …. purpose not to quit trying « Word4Word

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